The Sharp Knife of a Short Life
by Avoline Malfoy
Summary: He only meant to keep her safe. He never meant to loose his chance to tell her. RATED M FOR LANGUAGE, SELF HARM, AND SUICIDAL THEMES.


_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

* * *

 _Crowley was fun, but I'm gonna let him lick his wounds for a while. No, I won't reveal who I'm gonna torment this time. Just know that he really doesn't deserve it, but bad things happen to everyone. Oh, shut up, Crowley. You so deserved that._

 _This one is somewhat inspired by the song Anthem of The Angels by Breaking Benjamin. I love that band, and I love that song. If I were you, I'd listen to it while reading this._

 _So, keep the tissues close and relax. Or not. Up to you._

 _Love always,_

 _Avoline_

* * *

 _Days go on forever_

 _But I have not left your side_

He was still sitting in that chair, using his powers to keep her from decomposing. She was still torn to shreds, the vampires having used her as a meal before Sam and Dean could save her. The bed beneath her was still stained with blood, her blood, but he kept looking at her face.

Emily Ross was barely twenty-one when she became a hunter. That's how he had met her. She was chasing down one of Crowley's demons when he accidentally stepped in her path and caused her to loose the demon. She had berated him with the ease of a Winchester, and he very quickly offered to help her. Sure, he had to tell her who he really was in order for her to allow him to help, but it was worth it.

Now she was dead. Not even twenty-five, and she was gone. He wondered if he could have convinced her to leave the hunter's life behind when she had the chance. Maybe then she would still be alive. Maybe then he would have the chance to tell her how he felt. And maybe he could have held her one last time.

 _We can chase the dark together_

 _If you go then so will I_

His arms were covered with wounds of his own. Castiel had to wrench the angel blade from the blond's hands, but that didn't keep Gabriel from summoning one of Dean's knives and using it when the pain was too much. Two weeks worth of half healed cuts littered his wrists. He had always been fairly happy, and when he wasn't, he would simply relocate.

But he couldn't this time. The only place he would be happy would be wherever she was, and he couldn't follow her. All those years, following her, staying hidden for her own safety. She could never know he was alive, could never know how much he had grown to love her. Raphael would have used her as leverage against the youngest archangel, and Gabriel couldn't bring himself to do that to her.

He was too much of a coward to follow her into death.

 _There is nothing left of you_

 _I can see it in your eyes_

Her blue eyes stared at the ceiling. She was gone before he had walked into the bunker with Cas. He knew it. But he still couldn't let her go. He wasn't ready to physically let her go, or emotionally, for that matter. Sam had tried. Bless that tall son of a bitch, he had tried to help the Trickster move on. But even letting go of her hand felt like a physical stab to his heart, and he clung to the pathetic bed frame hard enough to bend the metal.

That's when the cutting had started.

He had never known this kind of pain before. To loose someone who meant so much to him. And the only way he could release the pain was to divert his attention to physical pain. He was too afraid of death to actually off himself, but he might as well be dead.

 _Sing the anthem of the angels_

 _And say the last goodbye_

"Gabe," Sam called softly as he entered the room. "Gabe, it's been two and a half weeks. I know it hurts, trust me. But you've got to start moving on. It's time to let her go." But the angel didn't move, nor respond. He hadn't spoken since receiving the news of her death. "Gabriel, this isn't easy for us, either. She was a hunter, and loosing a hunter is like loosing a member of the family. Please, let us at least give her a hunter's funeral."

Gabriel closed his eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay. Sam was right. Of course he was. Gabriel was the only one who had yet to truly say goodbye. He felt the ache forming deep in his chest, and reflexively reached for Dean's knife.

"No," the brunet instructed firmly, grabbing the blade and keeping it out of reach. "No more cutting. No more hurting yourself like this. The sooner you let her go, the sooner the pain will fade. I'm not saying you have to forget she ever existed, but you can't sit here slicing yourself forever."

 _I keep holding on to you_

 _But I can't bring you back to life_

"Sam, give me the knife," Gabriel requested weakly. He knew his plea would go ignored. Sam was going to do whatever it took to get his point across. "Please. I can't-"

"Yes, you can," the human interrupted. "Welcome to the real world. It hurts. It sucks ass. You loose people you love. No one knows that better than me and Dean. But turning your arms into ribbons doesn't help. It's not going to bring her back."

"Then what would you have me do?" Hazel eyes stared pleadingly at Sam as tears streamed down the angel's face. "She meant everything to me. And I knew I would loose her, but not this soon. She was just a kid! And I could have saved her years ago!"

His breathing was as ragged as his emotional state. Nearly three weeks of holding it all in, and now the walls containing the flood had crumbled. The broken angel hiding behind it all was left exposed and alone.

 _Sing the anthem of the angels_

 _And say the last goodbye_

"Gabriel, you aren't alone in this," Sam soothed, leaning against the wall. "I lost the woman I loved some years back. That's how I wound up back in the hunting lifestyle. I wanted to find the son of a bitch who killed her." The Archangel scoffed.

"Yeah, well, you and Dean took care of that for me," he whispered.

"Not quite," the taller man confessed. "One got away. He was the leader of the harem. And he bolted before we could ice him." Their eyes met. "He's all yours if you want to track him down. Dean and I will help. But you've got to let us give her a hunter's farewell."

Gabe's eyes riveted back to Emily, committing every detail to memory. The way her black hair glinted with hints of red. The way her lashes were so long they literally brushed against her cheekbones. The exact shade of blue her eyes were.

It was time to let her go. She wouldn't want him to do what he'd been doing for the past two weeks. She would want him to move on and be the man she knew him to be. And maybe he could fly up to heaven and see her. He knew she had to be there. She was too kind, too pure and perfect to be anywhere but heaven. He wondered what her heaven was like, and if she was happy there. Yeah, he'd go visit her. After he killed himself a vampire.

"Okay."


End file.
